Finally posting

I have wanted to post so many thoughts lately, but I don't know how people find the time to keep up. I haven't had time to get to a computer and sit and write. I have a really great post coming. Actually I shouldn't say that cause it's probably only great to me. I don't think anyone else would get that excited about it. No, that's not true, I know 3 people who would get excited about it so you 3 siblings of mine better be visiting my blog cause I've got a daddy post coming. Today, I wanted to post about something that is kind of hard to look at in myself but I had better examine it, cause it came to my awareness and it probably affects me every day. So, here it is. I have noticed lately, that I have a particular thing that drives me crazy. I mean this is something that can really get me feeling pretty furious inside. It's really hard to distinguish what it actually is that is bothering me so much, but I'll try to put my finger on it. It is displayed in many ways, but ultimately, I think it's when people are intrusive or rude or inconsiderate and they express no remorse or even awareness that they are being such a bother. I notice it a lot at the cafe, when I'm closing and people come in and basically beg me to get them something they want and I'm rushing around trying to get out of there to get over to my other job without being late. Instead of not considering their feelings and just saying, "nope, sorry, we're closed", I make an exception help them out and get angry that they were so inconsiderate to me. What seems to be upsetting me is when other people don'tfeel bad about bothering me. That is terrible. I know it sounds terrible. It's a terrible way to think and feel, but I'm finding out by looking deeper that there's something more. I've tried to actually think about why I've felt this way. It seems ridiculous. I mean why would I want other people to feel bad? This may be the most shocking part of all...I think I feel this way cause I'm mad that everyone else doesn't have to feel like they are in the way all the time like I do. Why do I have to feel bad all the time and other people can breeze through with no consideration of others and get what they want. I am always concerned about how I might be upsetting, or irritating someone but they aren't saying anything so I have to stop whatever I'm doing that may be bothering them so that I don't upset them more. I'm afraid that this really sounds crazy, but this is it...this is what's in my head. This is how I think. Let me give some examples of this ridiculous kind of situation in which I find myself. If I were at someone's house or even on the phone with them and I was the one talking, I would all of a sudden think, they want me to leave or get off the phone. They are bored and trying to tell me in a nice way (by not talking much) that they are done. If I was staying at someone's house and I was watching T.V. and they walked in, I would feel like such an intrusive presence because they might not feel like they could watch whatever they want. I would feel like leaving the room so that they don't feel like they need to be polite and consult me on what to watch. If I was in someone's car, I would just deal with being cold or music I don't like and not say anything. Sometimes, even if they ask, I just say I'm fine cause I don't want to bother them. If someone offered to share something with me I would turn it down even if I wanted it cause I would be afraid that they really wanted it but they were just being nice so I'm really just being nice by not taking it from them. I am always thinking and assuming I know how people feel and it greatly influences my interactions with people. I always think there is so much going on that is unsaid. I think that might have a little to do with how I grew up. Ha ha ha! Just a little. There was a lot going on that was unsaid. I learned to read people pretty well. That is a gift, but I've realized that my sensitivity to other people's feelings has made me extreme in this way. I have spoken with and observed my sister be very extreme in this way as well and it turned a light on in my head that so much of the time, the things I am trying to tip toe around to prevent people from being uncomfortable are absolutely unnecessary. I bet if I could get inside people's head I would realize that they aren't thinking 1/2 the things that I think they are thinking. Why do I spend so much time and energy on making sure that I don't offend people or make people uncomfortable when it's causing me to miss out on so much in life and it's causing me to be bitter that I have to feel this way and other people don't. I don't have to live this way. I don't have to feel like I'm bothering people all the time. I really want to think about this and work on thinking about this in other perspectives. What do you think? I think I need some feedback. This is one of those things that I'm barely understanding because it's a lifetime of thinking and acting one way and now I'm observing it as something not quite right. Help me see a bigger picture. I want to see more sides of this. What do you think? Do I spend too much energy assuming I know what people feel and trying to act sensitively? Should I be just as concerned with how people feel but just ask them and act accordingly? Should I just stop being so concerned with how people feel, alltogether? Consider in responding that I genuinely care very much about people's feelings and it would be impossible to turn that off completely. I don't want to stop caring, but could I practice not feeling responsible for people's feelings? Maybe.