3.26.06

Today is going to be a wonderful day! This weekend has been a birthday weekend. Shawn has stretched out the enjoyment of my birthday to a whole weekend and I love it. Today is my surprise birthday day! Shawn has planned it all and I know nothing except I get to enjoy a game night this evening with my family. I am so excited for what this day holds. I think my stomach is full of butterflies!
Yesterday Shawn and I went for a hilly bike ride in the rain and ate lunch at Old Market Pub. These are the best few days I have had in a long time. I even get to go to the beach with all the Bronec women tomorrow and stay until Wednesday morning.
I just feel so happy. I am having the time of my life. I have so much to be grateful for and I can't believe how many things I have been blessed with. I have a loving relationship with an amazing man whom I am so in love with, I'm having the best birthday weekend, I have a best friend in my dad, who is the most kind and giving person, I have a fun and loving family and wonderful friends...and an awesome mountain bike (ha ha). Mostly, I have a God who cares for me and my well being who has blessed me with all of this.

I am happy.

Thanks to all of you who have sent birthday wishes and prayers and made me feel so cared for on my birthday, on my blog, on Shawn's blog, on my phone and in person. You are all so thoughtful!

It's.....

my birday! It's my birday! Gonna party like it's my birday!

Countries I've been to, also inspired by Shawn's blog.

create your own visited countries map

States I've been to inspired by Shawn's blog

create your own visited states map

Random thoughts

Last night I made brownies. I also made mashed potatos and fried chicken with creamy gravy and green beans, which is something I've never made but I was trying to make something Shawn would enjoy and that is a simple basic meal that everyone enjoys. I made it as healthy as I could...potatos with the skin on and fried chicken in just a little olive oil and creamy gravy with lowfat milk. It was so good. Anyway, my point is that I enjoyed a brownie sunday last night and I just had another one tonight. I don't know if it's worth it. I only enjoy it for the few minutes while I'm eating it and then I don't enjoy how I feel after I've eaten it. Why can't I seem to realize this before I eat it. I don't really enjoy it enough to outweigh the feeling after of being full of sugar. LIFE!!!! URHHH!!!

When I was a kid I use to go on bike rides so that I could speak in weird voices and other accents and no one would hear me. I enjoyed it so much. One time, I didn't realize I was approaching a yard that someone was in and as soon as I saw them it was too late. I was speaking loudly in some English accent I think. I was so embarrassed. I pretended like I was singing and that I didn't see them.

It's been a week since I decided not to drink anymore. It's been really easy and I've really enjoyed it. I know, some of you may be thinking, it's only been a week, how could a week be hard. The thing is, often times I go a week or more without having any alcohol, but there are 2 reasons this past week could have been difficult. 1 is that with my busy schedule and how I so enjoy the feeling I get after one or two glasses of wine, it becomes something I look forward to on an evening that I get home before 1:00 a.m. I take a hot shower and relax with a glass of wine and I don't worry about a thing. So, if it's something I look forward to, then it can be hard to try and replace or just go without. The second reason is the more likely reason to have made it difficult. I AM A REBEL! I'm serious. I just am. I have always wanted to get away with the things I wasn't suppose to do. So, the fact that this is something that is now "off limits" per se, I'm suprised that I haven't wanted to do it more. The feeling has trickled in but when it has, I tell myself, "This is not off limits. You can drink whenever you want. There is nothing wrong or bad about drinking. It is just something that you are choosing for yourself, to go without. You aren't missing out on anything. You are practicing discipline. This is good for your mind, body and spirit (and wallet)." Sometimes I even make myself some non-alcoholic drink to get the same ritual of drinking. I take a moment away from my busy life and reward my hard work with a taste of something I enjoy.
So, something kind of funny is that today is a week since I woke up with the random thought not to drink anymore. Actually, I almost dismissed it, cause it was so random, but of course I then thought about it for the day and came up with the decision rather mildly to actually do it. Actually, I guess I really decided while I was blogging about the thought. So, the funny part is...last night I had a dream that I was drinking white wine and all of a sudden I remembered that I wasn't going to drink anymore and I felt really bad and wondered if I would tell anyone. Then I realized, that's dumb, it's my decision not to do it. Oh well, I forgot. So, I stopped drinking and thought, well, I guess I should just try again. Isn't that weird? Ha ha ha! I think it's pretty funny. I actually giggled in bed this morning when I woke up after the dream.

Should I buy a surfboard for $350? A used, 9 feet long surfboard. I don't think so. I would rather buy a brand new Giant or Allez Specialized roadbike at Fat Tire Farm on sale for around $500-$600. I want it so bad, but I will exercise my discipline and pay off my debt instead. Boo hoo.

Read Proverbs 31 from the Bible last night. It's good! I will read it again, maybe tonight. I need to check out another translation. I read from "The Message" last night.

I think I've shared enough random thoughts for today. Post a comment and share a random thought. Please!

Finally posting

I have wanted to post so many thoughts lately, but I don't know how people find the time to keep up. I haven't had time to get to a computer and sit and write. I have a really great post coming. Actually I shouldn't say that cause it's probably only great to me. I don't think anyone else would get that excited about it. No, that's not true, I know 3 people who would get excited about it so you 3 siblings of mine better be visiting my blog cause I've got a daddy post coming. Today, I wanted to post about something that is kind of hard to look at in myself but I had better examine it, cause it came to my awareness and it probably affects me every day. So, here it is. I have noticed lately, that I have a particular thing that drives me crazy. I mean this is something that can really get me feeling pretty furious inside. It's really hard to distinguish what it actually is that is bothering me so much, but I'll try to put my finger on it. It is displayed in many ways, but ultimately, I think it's when people are intrusive or rude or inconsiderate and they express no remorse or even awareness that they are being such a bother. I notice it a lot at the cafe, when I'm closing and people come in and basically beg me to get them something they want and I'm rushing around trying to get out of there to get over to my other job without being late. Instead of not considering their feelings and just saying, "nope, sorry, we're closed", I make an exception help them out and get angry that they were so inconsiderate to me. What seems to be upsetting me is when other people don'tfeel bad about bothering me. That is terrible. I know it sounds terrible. It's a terrible way to think and feel, but I'm finding out by looking deeper that there's something more. I've tried to actually think about why I've felt this way. It seems ridiculous. I mean why would I want other people to feel bad? This may be the most shocking part of all...I think I feel this way cause I'm mad that everyone else doesn't have to feel like they are in the way all the time like I do. Why do I have to feel bad all the time and other people can breeze through with no consideration of others and get what they want. I am always concerned about how I might be upsetting, or irritating someone but they aren't saying anything so I have to stop whatever I'm doing that may be bothering them so that I don't upset them more. I'm afraid that this really sounds crazy, but this is it...this is what's in my head. This is how I think. Let me give some examples of this ridiculous kind of situation in which I find myself. If I were at someone's house or even on the phone with them and I was the one talking, I would all of a sudden think, they want me to leave or get off the phone. They are bored and trying to tell me in a nice way (by not talking much) that they are done. If I was staying at someone's house and I was watching T.V. and they walked in, I would feel like such an intrusive presence because they might not feel like they could watch whatever they want. I would feel like leaving the room so that they don't feel like they need to be polite and consult me on what to watch. If I was in someone's car, I would just deal with being cold or music I don't like and not say anything. Sometimes, even if they ask, I just say I'm fine cause I don't want to bother them. If someone offered to share something with me I would turn it down even if I wanted it cause I would be afraid that they really wanted it but they were just being nice so I'm really just being nice by not taking it from them. I am always thinking and assuming I know how people feel and it greatly influences my interactions with people. I always think there is so much going on that is unsaid. I think that might have a little to do with how I grew up. Ha ha ha! Just a little. There was a lot going on that was unsaid. I learned to read people pretty well. That is a gift, but I've realized that my sensitivity to other people's feelings has made me extreme in this way. I have spoken with and observed my sister be very extreme in this way as well and it turned a light on in my head that so much of the time, the things I am trying to tip toe around to prevent people from being uncomfortable are absolutely unnecessary. I bet if I could get inside people's head I would realize that they aren't thinking 1/2 the things that I think they are thinking. Why do I spend so much time and energy on making sure that I don't offend people or make people uncomfortable when it's causing me to miss out on so much in life and it's causing me to be bitter that I have to feel this way and other people don't. I don't have to live this way. I don't have to feel like I'm bothering people all the time. I really want to think about this and work on thinking about this in other perspectives. What do you think? I think I need some feedback. This is one of those things that I'm barely understanding because it's a lifetime of thinking and acting one way and now I'm observing it as something not quite right. Help me see a bigger picture. I want to see more sides of this. What do you think? Do I spend too much energy assuming I know what people feel and trying to act sensitively? Should I be just as concerned with how people feel but just ask them and act accordingly? Should I just stop being so concerned with how people feel, alltogether? Consider in responding that I genuinely care very much about people's feelings and it would be impossible to turn that off completely. I don't want to stop caring, but could I practice not feeling responsible for people's feelings? Maybe.

had a thought today...

maybe I don't want to drink alcohol anymore. I don't know where the thought came from or why it came, but it did. I have an idea that it might be a good thought though, cause I've had those lately.

Yesterday, I thought maybe I should try to run 5 miles, so I measured out a 5 mile route with my car and I went out and ran 5 miles at just under a 10 minute mile pace and it was a piece of cake. It felt awesome.

At the beginning of January I thought, maybe I should pay $1,000 a month toward my debt and be out by June. I didn't even know that was possible for me to do, and for the last 2 months I've exceeded my goal. I should be out of debt and maybe even have purchased a digital camera by June.

About a month or so ago, I thought, maybe I should invest some money and I now own stock in a company (TI) that I believe will be a good long term investment. Texas Instrument decided to build a "green" factory that is so energy efficient that they will save more money than they would have, had they decided to outsource jobs, I have really enjoyed reading up on this company, which I now proudly hold stock in. They produce some really interesting things, although I am not at all a technology buff, so I don't understand most of what they produce. But, hey, I think it's a good investment.

About 3 months ago I decided to get a massage twice a month. That was a great decision for so many reasons. It's affordable as I have a best friend who is a massage therapist. She appreciates the extra income as well. I work crazy long hours on my feet and I work out pretty hard, so my body needs it. Now my back doesn't hurt all the time and the healthy human touch is really helping my mental health.

A couple of months ago, I had a thought to make a list of the things I respect. I realized that I need to aspire to be the things I respect and as I progress in doing that, I can be assured that I respect myself. (I also made a list of the things I covet in order to be aware of the difference)

A few weeks ago, I decided to attempt to ask God everyday to show me truth. Maybe all these thoughts and decisions have something to do with that. I have struggled to understand and have faith for so long. I need to know it's real and that my beliefs are not imagined. I ask with such desperation, sometimes through tears of frustration or desire. That was probably the best decision I've made lately.

Anyway, my point might be that I have been making good decisions for myself and have been working really hard at setting and achieving some goals that I am happy with, so maybe this is just the next step in my lifelong decision to not settle for mediocrity. I don't want to be average. I want to be the best I can be. We all have so much potential. I don't want to squander mine.

So, maybe I'll listen to that thought. Maybe sometimes I shouldn't think so much about every thought. Maybe I should just do it, like I went out and ran yesterday, without even really thinking about it. And once I did it...I felt awesome!

Portland Waterfront Walk

I went on one of my favorite walks today with one of my favorite people. Here's a pic that Sheena took of me on the eastside of waterfront.